As I sit and reflect what 2020 has been about, one of the key themes for me has been intensity. Earlier today I polished off nearly a whole box of shitty chocolates and as I look down at my dinner, unusually, it’s loaded with flavours and textures I don’t often partake in. All the salty, crunchy indulgent things I haven’t had in quite a while – are all having a party on my plate and my palate. Quite the opposite to the detoxifying ayurvedic diet I’ve been following for the best part of 6 months.
Rather than judge myself as I might have done in the past, I’m curious. What is this telling me? What do I get to learn?
A time for reflection
As I reflect something that comes up strongly is an addiction to intensity, from the strong flavours, to the complete 180 on my diet protocol, I’ve always been someone that alternates between extremes. I pushed the boundaries and sometimes broke them, occasionally with detrimental consequences. Seeking intensity as some kind of reward or feedback for a job well done, or more accurately as rebellion against some effort to control me. A binge and abstain cycle that is certainly not sustainable or healthy. Well at least I FEEL ALIVE. Can you relate?
I feel this reflects what’s happening in society too. Oh…and add the layer where intensity covers our sensitivity and distracts us from our pain and the truth. Novocaine for the unhappy, unfulfilled potential of the soul….An interesting and dysfunctional cocktail indeed.
Nonetheless this cycle has taught me plenty, the most important aspect being how to find my centre. Often seeking the extremes are a necessary part of that pendulation process, but I recognise more and more that they do not need to be. Instead they reveal underlying unconscious patterns that are playing out, which have likely been in existence since childhood. It would make sense therefore that chaos and intensity feel incredibly familiar to me, taken one step further I’d say they actually feel normal – like I’m at home.
It’s perhaps ironic and at the same time completely understandable therefore that I’ve had one of the best years in my business so far – in 2020 – a.k.a. the year of the apocalypse. It turns out that I’ve trained my entire lifetime for this moment – to be the calm in the chaos. You could call it my gift.
Living in the soulful flow
But I think I’m finally done with the intensity and the extreme highs and lows my ego craves to feel somehow satisfied. Instead I’m choosing the middle path, where it gets to be flowing and aligned, and led totally by my soul and trust in the divine. I’m ready to surrender completely to the fires of transformation and be reborn once again, in every moment, to the truth of who I am and how I’m here to serve.
Well… after I finish off the rest of this packet of crisps anyhow.
In and of itself that sounds quite intense, and I guess it is, in it’s own way. Dying over again to claim my sovereignty and freedom is an intensity I can vibe with. If it means offering up my precious ego to live a life that’s totally authentic and true to my soul I’m prepared and willing to make the sacrifice every time.
I’m just deciding that the answer doesn’t need to be found on the other side of a mountain of cheese and ready salted crisps! It was however the necessary vehicle for me to write this.
Everything is connected and revealing itself perfectly. There are no mistakes in life, simply opportunities to learn.
We all get the chance to choose again, over and over, in every moment. It’s never too early, and it’s never too late to be your own hero. ‘Ready’ isn’t a verb – it’s a decision you make when your dreams become bigger than your excuses.
Cheers (cheese lol) to the roller coaster ride of 2020. May your 2021 be expansive and joyful in ways you cannot possibly dream to imagine.
Remember,
Breathe the change you wish to see in the world.
Philippa xo