Ten years ago my life fell apart in front of my eyes. It was a gut-wrenching and devastating experience that upended my very foundation and dumped me unceremoniously and hysterically wailing onto my ass. Little did I know it would be the making of me. So much has happened in this wild journey to reclaim myself and I feel compelled to share some nuggets so that they may also help you.
A love letter to my former self
Oh, my dear girl, you’re not broken. You never were. What you’re seeing now are the lengths you went to, to avoid yourself. The facade you built to keep yourself safe and protected in in this harsh and bitter world. You did what you needed to do in order to survive. There is no shame in that.
But now you see, that none of that was you. Well, it was, yes, in a way, but in other ways, it was just a shadow of the real you. Because the real you is so beautiful that you cannot even begin to comprehend its brilliance and perfection at this moment. Because you feel so broken.
Believe it or not, it’s the exact place you NEED to be right now, in order to recognise what you’re not.
This pain is confirmation of that truth, this is the stuff you’ve been running and hiding from for years. Life is giving you an opportunity to break free and release the shackles that have weighed you down, to step away from what is false and seek the truth. The truth of who and what you really are.
This journey we are on...
Now I don’t promise this journey is going to be easy or pleasant. In fact, it won’t be. It is going to challenge every fibre of your being because those fibres are so interwoven with lies, that it’ll feel like you’re coming apart at the seams. And that’s because you are.
Once you begin pulling the thread you’ll see and feel how tied up you’ve become in your own bullsh*t and untruths, and the mask you’ve been wearing all along. It will expose the armour that you’ve built and the walls you’ve erected to stay safe and defend yourself.
Perhaps you don’t believe me, but I’m here to tell you that none of that is you. Who you truly are is beyond knowing and cannot be distilled into a word or sentence.
You just ARE - EVERYTHING.
Each and every potential of the universe. It’s plain for me to see. This unravelling is simply life’s way of resetting you to who you’ve always been.
Lifting the mask
That mask you’ve been wearing? It’s a protection mechanism, and it’s learned behaviour. When you were younger it was necessary as you developed ways to cope. One of those was by fitting in. In a world full of danger, it’s better to fit in and stick with the script. Even when you know in your heart of hearts that the story doesn’t end well. You’re not alone in that either, because thousands, if not millions of people are in the same boat. Wearing masks and pretending to be something they’re not.
The perfect person doesn’t exist, yet we’re all trying to emulate what society wants us to be. Another one of the masses - beige, bland and cookie-cutter neat people. Fit into the prescribed box and you’ll be just fine. Give them what they want and your life will easy. You took the bait hook line and sinker. And you know what? You didn’t even know you’d subscribed. All of this was going on from before you were born. Somewhere, sometime, over millennia (or perhaps never before) people lost touch with their hearts.
Plugged into the machinations of society and generations of family trauma we unconsciously passed on the emotional baggage without realising it. Patterns of behaviour that were ‘normal’ in our family became ‘normalised’ without question.
Somehow we took dysfunction and made it healthy and acceptable.
You’ll realise in the future that ‘It’s just the way things are’ was an invitation to remain asleep and maintain the status quo. This pivotal time has arrived to help you find your own balance and take a new direction in your life.
I want you to know this, none of it is your fault. You can’t fight what you can’t see.
Stepping into the shadows
An invisible enemy cannot be defeated. It must first be brought into plain sight. Only then can the healing begin. The intricate dance of shadow work reveals the wounds that don’t want to be uncovered, and as you know, it’s very difficult to catch a shadow - particularly your own. Children learn from their experiences, especially in the first seven years of life. They are like sponges, soaking in the world and becoming hypnotised in the process - both figuratively and literally.
Those first years are so important, yet often contain the biggest traumas (and I don’t mean they are violent) that affect deeply our nature and beliefs as we develop. We mould ourselves around life more than life moulds us. Our perceptions of the world are implanted very early on, perhaps even at conception. As I said, you can’t fix what you don’t know is broken - yet with awareness you can begin putting the shattered pieces back together again.
Here’s the revelation
At this moment you’re being shown what parts of you need your love and attention. The fragmented aspects of your psyche are being unearthed. Life is directing you to heal and grow, and grow up too. It’s time to expand and leave your old identity behind and re-discover who you truly are. I know it’s painful, but it will be the making of you, I promise. You’ll look back in years to come and realise this is the best thing that ever happened.
It’s happening FOR you; to crack open the divine essence of your soul.
You weren’t to know that this pain you’re now experiencing has been carried in your body for years. How could you, when you were so numbed out? When you were petrified of your feelings and you would burst into tears of frustration when you couldn’t explain how you felt?
Your coping mechanisms served you well until, well, they just didn’t anymore. Instead, they created your prison from which life is now attempting to set you free. It’s your personal invitation to write a more nourishing programme and move towards a bright, aligned, more authentic future.
Starting to see more clearly
Now it’s clear for you to see what’s been hidden away in plain sight this whole time, and is sucking the lifeblood out of you. All the unexpressed pain and grief you’ve carried for a lifetime but have been too distracted to acknowledge exists, let alone allow yourself to feel or express. The anger and sadness that never had an outlet and consumed you from the inside out.
The shame and guilt that kept you separate from your innocence and joy. It’s all laid out intricately in front of your eyes so that you can acknowledge, understand, and heal it and in doing so you will weave a beautiful new life. You can kick, scream and pout all you like, but the process has already begun. Whilst none of this is your fault, it is now your responsibility to deal with it.
Whether you like it or not, the only way out is through. Yet I know from your character that you have everything you need to take on the challenge. Whilst you might feel like you’re fighting for your life (and in some ways you are), know that everything you want is on the other side of this battle. It’s time to take your position and face off with your demons. You’ll come to realise that this is the perfect plan playing out. Life is more intelligent than you could ever imagine and will lead you home to yourself if you trust and allow it to.
This journey will lead you to discover your truth.
Leading your journey
You’ll meet many people along the way, doing the same thing. Coming home to themselves. You’ll recognise them easily as your soul family. Don’t worry it will all make sense in time. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You’ll realise that soon enough too, and one day wake up as me, in the future, writing you this letter.
I love you so much. Thanks for doing an amazing job of being me. I never doubted your ability to get through it. Like I said you were stuck, not broken. One day in the future you’ll feel more whole than you can ever imagine. I know because that day has arrived...
It’s called today.
Breathe the change you wish to see in the world.